i've got to get this under control

slept in. homemade iced latte and the sunday new york times. driving range with N and his friend. and then i fell apart. i think i am entering the "desperate" phase of the post-break-up... i so want to see him, talk to him, get back together with him. i hate him so much. i looked at our old photos (poor choice) and we just looked so happy/so perfect together. why was i given this heartache in life? i don't know what God is trying to teach/show me. sometimes life doesn't seem fair - i see all these high school / college friends getting engaged and married and i think, wow. i'm totally alone in life. and they have everything that i want.

just my day

i slept in til 9am - glorious. and i had a delicious homemade iced coffee. i jogged in the park, and was very hot. but i felt like a runner. (and i had also just downloaded the new eminem cd - that helped!) then i sat by the pool, reading. i volunteered downtown, and met a really sweet girl, who reminded me so much of DS from Yale. and then i went to JS's house-warming party. and MD hadn't arrived yet, so i was forced to mingle. and a girl whom i used to play soccer with for ODP recognized me and we realized we were on rival cup teams and then i knew she also went to ODP camp with me - such a small world. and then MD arrived, with her fiance and a college friend. and we really laughed. and laughed. but every so often, she would look at him, and he would look at her, and my stomach would drop and my heart felt so heavy - i remember those looks, and i wanted Norwalk to be on my doorstep. he wasn't. and he won't ever be. do i miss him? our relationship wasn't perfect, but i honest to goodness thought he would be my husband. the feeling that i had when i was with him .... people say that you "just know" when someone is the one, but i thought i knew... and i was wrong. i missed him tonight. i missed holding his hand and feeling his arms around me, and knowing that i could look at him and he would look back at me and we would know what the other was thinking. i must have faith that i will find love. and Portland never emailed me back. ummm okay.

...and i will try to fix you

as i sit here, watching so you think you can do, the Coldplay song "fix you" comes on. and they dance. and i realize what has been holding me back. i'm so scared to love again, because i wonder if i will have enough energy to sustain such feelings, because i just feel so empty now. i want someone to want to fix me, to hold me, to sustain me. i was always chasing Norwalk, heartbreak after heartbreak. i put him on a pedestal our freshman year, and it was exhausting to be me, to want him, to want him to want me.

and high above or down below

when you're too in love to let it go

but if you never try you'll never know

just what you're worth

...and i will try to fix you.

i know that i need to stand on my own two feet. but just for a moment, i want someone to carry me. unconditionally. because i want to love again. i just have a hard time imagining how it will begin. but maybe if i'm swept off my feet, i won't even have to see it coming.

Show Us Your Life - Favorite Bible Verse

Let not your heart be troubled; ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also... Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let your your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

-John 14: 1-3, 27

this is the verse that we choose for my dad's prayer card. i find it so comforting. with my dad in Heaven, the sadness leaves no room for air... the steady words- the promise- the reassurance... remind me that my dad is okay and that one day my family will be all together again.

Dad's stone at the Turtle Sanctuary in Georgia

and the tree that shades it

dad, i really miss you. we all do.

team jacob

went to eclipse with a friend from grad school - i loved it - i totally wanted to be cuddling with jacob in that tent on the mountain in the snowstorm!

and then bethany got married on tv - and when they exchanged vows they said "let my heart be your shelter and my arms- your home." i want to remember that.

trying not to wallow in my loneliness.

Portland re-invited me to the wedding in an email - he wanted me to be his date! but it's too expensive. and of course i wanted him to mail me a plane ticket with roses or some other grand gesture... he asked if i could come later in the summer - i emailed him tonight saying that he needs to tell me when it's a good time for him. he mentioned that he will be back East in August - i wonder if i will see him again. i wonder if he wants to kiss me this time... when i visited his house last summer it was just one of those perfect moments - can only first experiences like that be magical?

moment of silence for Cohen.

i'm back

it has been a few days - i had an incredible stay-cation in Phillie when my mom, sis, and aunt came to visit over Memorial Day. as soon as i have the photos developed (yes, we used disposable cameras because mama and i want new cameras) i will have a recap.

but tonight, i went out with two girlfriends from school. i met them for margaritas (no dinner - thank goodness i had a pb&j late in the afternoon when i got home from the preschools) and then we saw Sex and the City Two. one girl invited two friends to the movies - and she never introduced us. ummm so rude? awkward? made me wonder why she didn't? and the other girl just got back together with her ex-boyfriend - she and i had a similar story - 3.5 year relationship that ended out of the blue in january. wellllllllll now it's just me in the single ladies club. sheesh.

long day tomorrow - two sessions at the preschool then lab to drop off the cameras and then i mustmustmust drop off my bridesmaid dress to be hemmed and altered - i am not looking forward to that.

night.