fun times

so yesterday, M, S-A and her boyfriend, N, and i went to the philadelphia union soccer game against manchester united - and it was so fun to see soccer live after watching the world cup on tv all summer... but the stadium was 90% for the english! we were right by the official union cheering section - they call themselves the sons of ben. i had to ask M who ben was. she looked at me like i was crazy - "ben franklin." oh right! and then there was this seven year old boy who led a cheer for manchester... he was just so proud and the frat boys in the crowd totally supported him - a good moment for humanity.

and tonight the new lab coordinator M and N and i went to a moliere play in a park outside, under the moon. i really didn't want to go- i was tired. so i took an afternoon nap by the pool. it was one of those moments where the sun was just warm enough and the breeze was just cool enough... i felt at peace. content. and then i was in a much better mood. i will admit that these past two nights, i have wanted to share them with Norwalk. because i could imagine us at both events, holding hands, and leaning on his shoulder. i just got the Pete Wilson book Plan B - i really need to trust God.

Megan wrote a really great story on her blog today about God's plans for us - and she wrote this verse ~ The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24

good night!

i've got to get this under control

slept in. homemade iced latte and the sunday new york times. driving range with N and his friend. and then i fell apart. i think i am entering the "desperate" phase of the post-break-up... i so want to see him, talk to him, get back together with him. i hate him so much. i looked at our old photos (poor choice) and we just looked so happy/so perfect together. why was i given this heartache in life? i don't know what God is trying to teach/show me. sometimes life doesn't seem fair - i see all these high school / college friends getting engaged and married and i think, wow. i'm totally alone in life. and they have everything that i want.

just my day

i slept in til 9am - glorious. and i had a delicious homemade iced coffee. i jogged in the park, and was very hot. but i felt like a runner. (and i had also just downloaded the new eminem cd - that helped!) then i sat by the pool, reading. i volunteered downtown, and met a really sweet girl, who reminded me so much of DS from Yale. and then i went to JS's house-warming party. and MD hadn't arrived yet, so i was forced to mingle. and a girl whom i used to play soccer with for ODP recognized me and we realized we were on rival cup teams and then i knew she also went to ODP camp with me - such a small world. and then MD arrived, with her fiance and a college friend. and we really laughed. and laughed. but every so often, she would look at him, and he would look at her, and my stomach would drop and my heart felt so heavy - i remember those looks, and i wanted Norwalk to be on my doorstep. he wasn't. and he won't ever be. do i miss him? our relationship wasn't perfect, but i honest to goodness thought he would be my husband. the feeling that i had when i was with him .... people say that you "just know" when someone is the one, but i thought i knew... and i was wrong. i missed him tonight. i missed holding his hand and feeling his arms around me, and knowing that i could look at him and he would look back at me and we would know what the other was thinking. i must have faith that i will find love. and Portland never emailed me back. ummm okay.

...and i will try to fix you

as i sit here, watching so you think you can do, the Coldplay song "fix you" comes on. and they dance. and i realize what has been holding me back. i'm so scared to love again, because i wonder if i will have enough energy to sustain such feelings, because i just feel so empty now. i want someone to want to fix me, to hold me, to sustain me. i was always chasing Norwalk, heartbreak after heartbreak. i put him on a pedestal our freshman year, and it was exhausting to be me, to want him, to want him to want me.

and high above or down below

when you're too in love to let it go

but if you never try you'll never know

just what you're worth

...and i will try to fix you.

i know that i need to stand on my own two feet. but just for a moment, i want someone to carry me. unconditionally. because i want to love again. i just have a hard time imagining how it will begin. but maybe if i'm swept off my feet, i won't even have to see it coming.

Show Us Your Life - Favorite Bible Verse

Let not your heart be troubled; ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also... Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let your your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

-John 14: 1-3, 27

this is the verse that we choose for my dad's prayer card. i find it so comforting. with my dad in Heaven, the sadness leaves no room for air... the steady words- the promise- the reassurance... remind me that my dad is okay and that one day my family will be all together again.

Dad's stone at the Turtle Sanctuary in Georgia

and the tree that shades it

dad, i really miss you. we all do.

team jacob

went to eclipse with a friend from grad school - i loved it - i totally wanted to be cuddling with jacob in that tent on the mountain in the snowstorm!

and then bethany got married on tv - and when they exchanged vows they said "let my heart be your shelter and my arms- your home." i want to remember that.

trying not to wallow in my loneliness.

Portland re-invited me to the wedding in an email - he wanted me to be his date! but it's too expensive. and of course i wanted him to mail me a plane ticket with roses or some other grand gesture... he asked if i could come later in the summer - i emailed him tonight saying that he needs to tell me when it's a good time for him. he mentioned that he will be back East in August - i wonder if i will see him again. i wonder if he wants to kiss me this time... when i visited his house last summer it was just one of those perfect moments - can only first experiences like that be magical?

moment of silence for Cohen.

i'm back

it has been a few days - i had an incredible stay-cation in Phillie when my mom, sis, and aunt came to visit over Memorial Day. as soon as i have the photos developed (yes, we used disposable cameras because mama and i want new cameras) i will have a recap.

but tonight, i went out with two girlfriends from school. i met them for margaritas (no dinner - thank goodness i had a pb&j late in the afternoon when i got home from the preschools) and then we saw Sex and the City Two. one girl invited two friends to the movies - and she never introduced us. ummm so rude? awkward? made me wonder why she didn't? and the other girl just got back together with her ex-boyfriend - she and i had a similar story - 3.5 year relationship that ended out of the blue in january. wellllllllll now it's just me in the single ladies club. sheesh.

long day tomorrow - two sessions at the preschool then lab to drop off the cameras and then i mustmustmust drop off my bridesmaid dress to be hemmed and altered - i am not looking forward to that.

night.

the family arrives!

the mama, sis, and aunt will be arriving any second! my apartment has never been this clean - i unpacked the last box from my CT move yesterday; dusted (around the trinkets on the tabletops but still), vacuumed, and i can see my floor (even if i cheated and but the rest of the loose clothes in the laundry hamper). but i bought flowers for beside the bedside for my mama and aunt and i have the towels all laid out for them... i even washed my sheets and quilt! i wanted to be a good hostess, just like Whitney from The Glamorous Life of a Housewife!

(sorry it's a bit dark - i just wanted to capture the moment from my phone)

i feel a bit frazzled - i am not sure exactly what our itinerary will be - but if the weather is great tomorrow, we will go to Longwood Gardens for the lily festival. but where for dinner? i miss Dad - he always made the plans, and they were always flawless.

i cannot wait for my hugs.

something borrowed

i finished this book by emily griffins... loved it. even though i knew the premise... i even knew the ending... i was hooked. and i had to finish it tonight... oh to have those feelings of just complete comfort that you have when you are with the one that you love.

i mailed Portland the oops-penguin card that Elmo made (because my Pens lost but his Flyers are still in it!) - i wonder what he will think/feel when he sees the envelope in his mailbox. how will he respond? will he respond? he hasn't brought up the idea of me visiting him this summer again. i told him i wanted a formal invitation - i was kind of hoping that he would write me a letter ha. he's a boy. i shouldn't expect so much maybe, from someone i'm not even dating!

i wanted to remember this quote from something borrowed (page 284)

"maybe the thing to do after you roll the dice - and lose - is simply to pick them up and roll them again."

and i found this quote on etsy:

"i don't know if i run for my thighs or my head." i need to remember that i like to run. i gotta get back in the groove - in the words of nicey nash - my "wobbly bits" are back! must get back in shape for me. so that when i find my man... i will love me so that he can love me.

night!

babies!

N, M, S-A, and i met in Old City for a bbq dinner and then the movie babies, which i absolutely adored. seeing the similarities and differences across the globe - the african and mongolian cultures were unlike anything that i expected. and i couldn't help myself - i caught myself scoring the Mullen - like variegated babbling, two syllable words... and then all the spontaneous imitation - it was a developmental psychologist's dream movie!

M and i had a fun car ride. her boyfriend is asking her parents' for permission to ask her to marry him this weekend, and then they are going to europe together this summer (where he will propose...they have already looked at rings together). and he is moving here in july. i am so envious... but more than that... i feel like i am losing the chance for an amazing friendship - we listened to my music and danced and sang and just chatted like two girlfriends. i hope to make some good friends soon.

ta-ta!

monday, not a funday

eh. i need a summer routine... one that does not consist of tv from 4-11pm. what makes me mad is that while i was "relaxing" i was also making phone calls to schedule visits... and just worry about my data collection.

and then, i had made plans a while ago to see the "babies" movie with a few friends... and while everyone agreed... no one picked a time... or a place to meet... just a total lack of planning... made me feel like no one was interested... so i finally emailed and was like "um hello?" am i too sensitive?

the bachelorette started tonight! i adore how these boys try to charm her... i want romance!

i texted Portland when the Flyers won....and he totally flirted back! :)

just finished reading

miss you most of all by elizabeth bass. i thought i wasn't going to like it after the first fifty pages, but the characters absolutely grew on me... although it was also sad and made me miss my family... whenever characters face the impending death of a loved one, i also think about my own dad, and what i would have said if we had known that he would be in Heaven soon. love you dad, and mama, and sis.

sometimes

life is good.

i slept in til 10am. had cinnamon swirl toast from loafers and my homemade latte. while reading the sunday new york times style section. these are the moments when i feel like maybe i can handle being a grown-up, living on my own.

now i MUST clean my apartment before my family arrives next weekend. no joke- i still have a box that is not unpacked from when i moved from CT a year ago!

xoxo

what does that mean?

Portland asked me about my sister's graduation... meaning he remembered and cared?

a moment to wallow.

i miss him tonight. it was one of those summer days with an afternoon shower... a day to be cozy, together. i think i'm doing amazingly well - fierce, independent... but i miss his kisses, his arms around me. Portland called tonight, after the flyers victory... did my heart flutter? or do i simply want it to flutter because i miss the ex? i bragged yesterday that it has been such a clean break-up... who was i trying to kid? he gave me that promise ring and i still do not know why he would do that if he didn't love me with every inch of his heart. even he didn't have an answer when i asked that last conversation. and i hate that he hasn't called me, that he hasn't realized that i am the love of his life and he must beg for my forgiveness and he wants me back. would i let him have the broken pieces of my heart again? we played such games in college - i always thought we were meant to be because of the tug of war game that we played... why else would i continue to love him even after he took another girl to formal, time after time? we just clicked. alright, no more wallowing.

tomorrow's a new day.

such a fun night.

today was a great day. i was a big girl and got my oil changed this morning, then had a session at the preschool. then i interviewed for a position at the ronald mcdonald house - i'm so excited to start volunteering again. and then i headed downtown for my yale reunion! i arrived a bit early, so i checked out the reading terminal market, and had a crepe with nutella and strawberries and bananas that rivaled any from Paris (or perhaps i was starving!) and then i walked into the hotel without knowing a soul and ran into an old colleague and then i suddenly found so many familiar faces... i was so proud that i went because i really was tired and just wanted to relax on my couch... but i had so.much.fun.

i saw all my old bosses, friends, the people that i replaced and the people who replaced me... and i always had a circle of people to talk with - i never felt awkward.

i also spotted the love statue downtown! perhaps i'll take a picture under it one day...

so exhausted peace out!

this and that.

i just finished get lucky, a novel by katherine center. it was one of those books that i stopped reading with ten pages left because i didn't want to story to end. i wanted to jot down a few quotes:

"life is always a struggle between who you are and who you'd like to be. it's always a negotiation between how you want it and how it is." -page 261

"... thinking about how much everything had changed, and about how heartbreaks and joys in life are all tangled up together. you have to be good at one to be good at the other. in new york, i'd been careful to avoid all the sadnesses i possibly could. but coming home, without ever meaning to, i had plunged neck-deep into an ocean of them. i think it was good for me, in the end." -page 267

i love books where the main character is going through the same challenges - being single and uncertain about her job, future, family. and it's okay to stumble. because in the end, the girl ends up with the right guy. and sometimes, i still need my fairy tale in order to make the most of each moment along the way.

today, i met with my old boss and she came to our reading group. i felt so cosmopolitan - showing off my new city!

one last thing: goals for this summer:

1. take violin lessons

2. visit the zoo

3. go to the art museum

4. see the liberty bell

5. visit the cake boss' shop

6. spend an afternoon downtown in a park

7. barnes foundation house

8. longwood garden

i don't need a boyfriend to make memories!

first funny to remember years from now

sister just called... cousin has to carry around a babydoll to simulate the challenges of fatherhood starting tomorrow... which is also his 16th birthday... he will officially be sixteen and pregnant just like the MTV show! we laughed and laughed. my high school never did that... but i would have loved it! i still remember how serious i took playing house... we had real diaper bags and bottles... oh childhood!

just had to step the morning at the preschool, then went to the lab in the afternoon. then target and dinner at paneras. it's summer but i don't have my summer routine yet.

watching the duggars and going to bed early... gotta clean tomorrow!

one more thing - i woke up this morning, thinking that Portland had wrote an email confessing his love for me... it felt so real... i was driving around today and i had to remind myself it was just a dream! i have so many activities that would be so fun if i had a boyfriend... but life is teaching me to live each moment, and not wait for it to be the "perfect" moment.

when i was home, mama asked me what i would do if the Ex called me and wanted to see me. i really thought he was the one when i was with him... it feels much less certain now that i'm not with him. how could it feel so right- that he was my true love...and now i question those thoughts. people always say "you'll know when he's the one" - and i thought i knew. i wonder what it will feel like when i hopefully one day meet that guy?

a travel day

oh what a long day. i left home, after a wonderful morning. mama, sister, and i went to starbucks and then had a bagel for breakfast. sister moved back home after graduation. so now it's just me that doesn't live at home. i'm a lil envious... we've never lived as a whole family in our new home. they will soon find a routine, and i wonder what it will be like then when i return home.

sister's graduation was a little bittersweet... i remembered my own graduation, and how my dad just was so elated (we share our alma mater). and sister couldn't share her graduation with me... couldn't see how proud and happy he is. she burst into tears at dinner, missing him... and i went right with her to the bathroom - we just hugged and shared that moment of pain. but the day of her graduation went so well! the aunt, uncle, and cousin were actually ready on time; we found a perfect parking spot. and we had great seats - she walked right by us as she entered the ceremony! katie couric gave a great speech - she lost her husband to colon cancer, so she also knows grief. she quoted "the earth is for the living" and that's just how Dad used to live - each moment was filled with life.

sweet dreams!

sister's graduation

sister graduated! i am so proud of her. i'm SO sleepy now... more tomorrow!

books!

one of my favorite bloggers, Kelly, has the perfect inaugural Show us Your Life post for my new blog! I just adore books. I love how they feel - so sturdy and yet the pages are delicate. i love how i can just dip into another world.

i love books about love - first love, finding love, realizing what and who you love. Emily Griffin's Love the One You're With and Lauren Weisberger'sChasing Harry Winston are two "classics" in my mind!

i love historical fiction, like The Kommandant's Girl by Pam Jenoff.

i also love books by Wally Lamb, Jodi Picoult, the Twilight series (the cast was on Oprah yesterday - so fun!) and Harry Potter books.

i am already gathering books to read on vacation this June... i ordered The Carrie Diaries by Candace Bushnell and Heart of the Matter by Emily Griffin. any other suggestions?

just a list

today, in a list (because that's all i'm capable of right now):
1. woke up and had a lovely morning of oatmeal, coffee, and writing a few pages.
2. ran 2 miles at the gym!
3. went downtown for an end-of-our-first-year party. played beer pong and actually got a few cups!
4. lab meeting that went until forever.

day two was a success!

cozy.

today started all wrong. my alarm went off at 7:15am, and i realized suddenly that i needed to leave my apartment at 7:30, if i wanted to catch the parents as they were dropping off their kids at preschool (to schedule their Time 2 visit). well, i ran out the door at 7:50 and although i got to the preschool in time to talk to the parents, i forgot my laptop power cord, so i couldn't stay and observe. so i drove home. but then i had a power hour of cleaning - i can see my floors again! although it's not totally clean, it's much much better. i swear, once i have this apartment finalllly organized, it will never get messy again. i want to be so domestic - i don't understand why i find it so difficult - i think it's because i don't have enough shelves. yes, i will blame the (lack of) shelves.

then i went spinning! day one was a success. i am determined. afterwards, it had started to drizzle and i just felt at peace... i knew i was going home to my apartment that wasn't a disaster zone and i knew what i would make for dinner and i didn't feel lonely. i like those moments.

i wonder if Portland will ever mention again that i should visit him. i can't get a read on him - he calls out of the blue and we talk, and talk... and text back and forth... but then sometimes stretches of time go by... sometimes i wonder if i'm reading too much into it.

and now i'm cozy on my couch. perhaps early to bed and early to rise.

hello, (blog)world.

i just want to capture the moments of my life. today, i finished my first year of grad school - and so much has happened in that year. the ups and downs of school and research... the break-up... i really want to stop looking toward the future and just be in the moment.

i want to remember what books i'm reading and funny moments. and also moments of sadness so that i can look back and realize the truth behind this too shall pass.

i'm twenty-five. i hadn't imagined that i would be single and uncertain if i was on the right path. is grad school really what i want? would i be happy with a desk job as some sort of organizer/project coordinator? i still don't know if i have committed my heart to grad school... sometimes it feels like i am just going through the motions.

i watched the blind side last saturday - what an incredible movie. i hope to one day have that kind of marriage between sandra and her on-screen husband. and to have such a kind, selfless heart! i shall work on that.

i'll be a bridesmaid in a month... uh-oh! step one. eat healthy. step two. exercise. you wouldn't think these two steps would be quite so difficult sometimes. i'm considering today day zero, because, well, i hadn't committed to a month of bridesmaid prep!

dancing with the stars just finished... off to bed. hopefully i have a peaceful sleep, with no final exam looming over my head!

good night.